I would like to comment on a recent event that happened last weekend as of this writing, which caused deep shock and bewilderment for all Malaysians regardless of age, race, and religion: The Big Four of the EPL were all shut out for the first time since 1993.
But Shebby Singh will do plenty of that already, so instead let me address another hot talking point: The National Fatwa Council’s banning of yoga.
I, like most of you Malaysians, did not give a damn about yoga because we have more important things to do, like downloading episodes of Prison Break. But since newspapers have deemed it frontpage worthy, we now have no choice but to fulfill our duty as Malaysians and to talk about it endlessly, criticizing the lawmakers until we forget about this fatwa, which by our standards is this weekend.
So why was yoga banned? According to the National Fatwa Council, it was on the grounds that yoga was inappropriate for Muslims as it involved “chants” and “acts of worship of the god of another religion” that could “corrupt” a “person” causing their faith to be eroded, which roughly means: We were having a slow year and we have to fulfill our annual quota of 6 fatwa’s.
They also said that “Muslims should avoid practising it altogether as doing one part of yoga would lead to another”. Now I have to agree with them on this. Limber body, looser mind. Who knows where all that flexibility might lead you. They might find out things like Tantra, which might lead to our local handphone pornography movies being 10 hours long instead of 10 minutes. Wait, why is it a bad thing again?
Anyway, there is also the fear that Muslims who do yoga will suddenly decide to convert en masse into Hinduism, and I understand why this could be troubling, despite being so remotely impossible. Most of the Muslims are Malays, and can you imagine just how dangerous that would be? They’ll probably marry an Indian, and then we’ll have Hindraf members who get a 10% discount when they buy a house. Despicable!
So now we know the second most dangerous enemy of Islam after the Jews: stretching. And from this, we can pinpoint the biggest threat to a Muslim’s faith: Jewish yoga instructors. To these cowardly Hasidic health and well being practitioners, I would like to say: Don’t hide behind your Semitic sun salutes! We know your tricks! Give the Palestinians back their Om land!
Still, even if yoga does have its health benefits, the danger that it poses to a Muslim’s faith cannot be denied. So now that you have to cancel your True Yoga membership, I’m sure that you’re thinking, “If only there was a system of stretching for health and wellness that is also acceptable by Islam’s standards, and is available in an ebook format for only 3 easy payments of RM 59.99.
Introducing Ariff Kamil’s System Of Stretching For Health And Wellness That Is Also Acceptable By Islam’s Standards, And Is Available In An Ebook Format For Only 3 Easy Payments of RM 59.99
Compared to yoga, an ancient form of relaxation and breathing exercise that has been proven useful for countless of practitioners over thousands of years, mine was made up only a few minutes ago. But it’s totally halal! Here are some example exercises you can do right now at home, to have a taste of my exercise program. In line with the Malaysian Muslims obsession with everything Arabic, here are some of the Arabic themed stretches from Chapter 9, “More Medically Unsound Exercises, But Still Halal, And Sounds Arabic”.
The Al-Camel
For those with back pains and are looking to have a permanent hump, and want to be a hit at children’s parties.
1. Find a local karate training centre.
2. Find the biggest, baddest looking person there.
3. Taunt him with self-esteem lowering insults specific for a karateka such as, “Watching your roundhouse kick gives me inflammation in my bowels.”
4. Once he is sufficiently mad say, “I bet you can’t kick me in the stomach so hard my back will crack and cause a permanent hump!”
5. While rolling down on the mat in agony, think of Allah.
The Al-Desert
To improve flexibility, relaxation, and oil mileage by 50%.
1. Lie down flat on your back with your arms and legs comfortably spread to the side.
2. Then, immediately distort your limbs to the most uncomfortable position you can find, one where you’re thinking, “Ouch!”
3. Next, chant ‘Om’ or ‘Pi’ or any nonsense one syllable world. Involuntary yelpings of “Ouch” is acceptable too.
4. While chanting, think of the Lord Ganesh and imagine him imbuing your limbs with flexibility and vitality. Ha ha! Just kidding! Think of Allah.
After reading the above exercises, trying them out, and getting the miraculous results, I’m sure you’re thinking, “But has anyone else ever tried it?” You bet! Here are some reviews of people who have tried my exercise program:
“Removes stubborn stains!” – Ahmad, Klang
“I’m stuck in this position!” – Kiru, Johor Bahru
“Don’t do it!” – Lee, Taiping
And when Feng Shui is banned, I will introduce my new totally halal aesthetics system, where you can find out in which corner of your house should you put your unlaundered underpants to attract prosperity and repel negative energy and/or in-laws (hint: near the front door).
